Week 24: Beginning Chapter 9

Day:  167          Verses Memorized:  396          Working On:  Ch.9

The John Squad
Please click here to chart your own progress - even though I'm the only one still doing this
My Progress:
This week was great.  I finally stuck to my plan of reviewing for the whole week and actually went over the first 8 chapters many, many times.  I had a lot of fun saying it along with the CD and was encouraged when I was able to polish up some mistakes without a lot of frustration.  This week, I will begin Chapter 9.

Reciting Chapter 8 from last week:

Week 23: Enough is Enough

Day:  160          Verses Memorized:  396          Working On:  Review (for real)

The John Squad
Please click here to chart your own progress - even though I'm the only one still doing this

My Progress:
Wahoo!  Chapter 8 is finished!  I can't believe I finally made it through.  However, this week I ended up breaking my "review" rule.  My time is so limited and if I reviewed previous chapters each day, I wouldn't have any time left for moving forward.  So this week, I am not allowed to move on to Chapter 9.  I am going to really take the entire week to go back and review all the other chapters.  For real this time.  I mean it.

Some Thoughts:
Enough is enough is enough already!  Seriously.  What is the matter with me?!

For weeks now (ever since Chapter 4, really) I have been wallowing in guilt and self-pity at my sin.  No more!

I remember a few weeks ago when I first began to memorize the story about the adulterous woman.  I was shocked at how I defended the woman's sin and took her side, when really there is never an excuse for sin. As time went on, I continued to feel more and more broken-hearted over my own sin. That's all fine and good; we ought to be broken-hearted about our sin. However, I was going down a road of frustration and defeat, feeling like a hopeless slave to my sin. (Certainly not feeling like I'm "more than a conqueror".)

Thank you, Lord, it hit me today.  (I'm not sure how something I already 'know' can 'hit me' again and again as if it's something new, but apparently that happens quite frequently.)  There I was, cooking through Chapter 8, (my favorite time, when I have the entire chapter memorized and I'm able to recite the whole thing from start to finish without messing up) and all of a sudden, the tears started to come.

John 8:10-11  Jesus straightened up and asked her, "Woman, where are they?  Has no one condemned you?"  "No one, sir," she said.  "Then neither do I condemn you," Jesus declared.  "Go now and leave your life of sin."

Yes, He clearly tells the woman to leave her life of sin.  By no means does He condone what she has done.  But how on earth did I miss His beautiful love for this woman?!  How did I not see His tenderness and mercy in the way He treats her?  It's like I can hear His voice saying the words to her and they sound so sweet and kind.  Only our beautiful Savior could balance His hatred toward sin with the purest love for the sinner.

So, enough is enough!  Yes, Heidi, you are a sinner.  You are going to screw up time and time again.  Yes, your heart should break over your sin and lead to genuine repentance.  But then let's move on, for crying out loud!  Let's look at the bigger picture here!  Let's grab hold of the rest of the Gospel message!  Why have I not been rejoicing that these sins are completely wiped away and gone forever?  They have been paid for, bought, redeemed, cast away, removed; they are no longer here!  Praise God, I am no longer a slave and I am indeed more than a conqueror!  I am God's child and dagnabbit, He loves me!  So Heidi, let's not focus on your sin.  Let's focus on God's amazing, amazing love for you.  Let's look at what Jesus did and rejoice that there will come a day when you can stand in glory and enjoy a new heaven and a new earth where sin is no more. 

I hated being the guy at the Pool of Bethesda.  I love being the adulterous woman.  (That doesn't sound right, but you know what I mean, hehe.)  I love the picture of Jesus standing up so that He can be face to face with her, looking into her eyes and saying that she is forgiven.  My commentary says that the word "woman" was the same feeling as when He addressed Mary in Chapter 2.  It was an expression of respect and love.  And you know what, looking at both stories, Jesus treated each one with just as much love and mercy as the other. 

Time to stop dwelling on the guilt of my sin and start living in the victory I have over it because of Jesus and how much He loves me!   

Week 22: I am a Free Slave

Day:  153          Verses Memorized:  378          Working On:  John 8:42-47

The John Squad
Please click here to chart your own progress - even though I'm the only one still doing this

My Progress:
After cooking through Chapter 7, I was very pumped and motivated to begin Chapter 8.  That enthusiasm has now completely deflated and I am wearily trudging through the middle verses of this neverending chapter.  Why is it sometimes "Jesus replied" and then "Jesus said" and sometimes "Jesus declared".  Argh!  There is so much dialogue in this chapter and some of the thoughts seem disconnected to me, so it's very difficult to remember.  I am still holding to my own rule of reviewing at least one previous chapter per day.  While that has proven to be VERY discouraging, I refuse to jump on the negative bandwagon.  Onward onward onward.

Some Thoughts:
Last week I was feeling pretty down.  It seems every time I recognize how wretched a sinner I am, I learn something else and realize I am even more wretched than I thought before.  This week, I was faced with the verse, "Everyone who sins is a slave to sin."  Well that's just great.  So not only am I the jerk at the Bethesda Pool and a Pharisee, now I am a slave to sin.  In bondage.  Shackles and chains.

8:36  "So if the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."  I have no choice but to cling to this verse with both hands as tightly as I can grasp.  I will be free.  He even says "indeed".  Thank you, Lord, for including the word "indeed".  I love that word.  You leave no room for doubt.  I will be free indeed.

God seems to have a way of using our Pastor to deliver certain messages at certain times.  Last year, when we got tired of cutting our neighbor's grass, we heard a message about how Jesus washed Judas' feet and how we are to serve our enemies in love.  We are still cutting her grass.  A few years ago, when we got sick of teaching Sunday School and felt entitled to a break, we heard a message on persevering and continuing to serve the body of Christ.  We are still teaching Sunday School.  Before that, we felt like we were struggling financially and deserved to keep a little extra cash for ourselves.  Then we heard a message on how the first 10% is God's, not ours.  We are still tithing 10%. 

So last week, I was feeling all sorry for my sinful self.  "Woe is me, I am such a sinner.  Look at me, the slave to sin..."  And wouldn't you know it, Pastor gives a message on obedience.  But wait one cotton-pickin' minute.  Not just any old normal "obeying" obedience.  This obedience was different.  This goes beyond doing what you're supposed to do.  He got right down the root of the matter - our heart.  Why obey?  Why?  What is the motive for obeying?  Seriously!  Ask yourself!  What is your motive for obeying?

This past Sunday morning, I learned that we are not to obey because we have to.  We shouldn't obey because we want to avoid guilt.  We shouldn't obey out of duty or obligation or because it's the right thing to do.  Our obedience is to be motivated by our LOVE for Jesus!  In other words, we should obey because we WANT to!

On first hearing this, I got very angry.  I was even more frustrated than ever.  I wiggled around in that pew thinking, "oh great, Pastor.  So first, I'm struggling with the awful reality that I am a slave to sin.  Now I've been trying my darndest to obey all week - and I was wrong for that too because my heart wasn't in the right stinking place!"

My week continued on and I faithfully rose from slumber at 4:30 to meet with the Lord.  I found myself just begging Him to change me.  And it wasn't the typical prayer, "dear Lord, help me to change my heart."  It was a desperate prayer of, "dear Lord, change my heart, because I am helpless!"  I can't do it.  I can't do anything.  Nothing!

Thankfully, after all this wrestling and struggle, I finally came to some comforting realizations.  Yes, I am a terrible sinner.  Yes, I can obey some of the time.  But no, I cannot obey all the time.  And if I do obey, my heart is often not in the right place, so it isn't really true obedience.  Seems like an impossible predicament?  No!  "If the Son sets you free, you will be free indeed."  I realize that I need to rely on Jesus for absolutely

E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G! 

Not only the strength and perseverance to resist temptation, but the desire and motivation to do so because of my deep love for my precious Savior!  I need to stop praying "Lord give me the strength to not gossip today" and start praying "Lord, make me love you more."  I need to stop praying "Jesus, help me to resist temptation" and start praying  "Jesus, make my love for you so deep and so strong that I can't even see temptation because my eyes are so focused on You." 

So I know I'm a terrible sinner.  I know how much I need Jesus.  I rejoice that the Son has set me free indeed.  From now on, I'm going to stop trying to "do" all the right things and start to fall in love with Jesus. 

 Dear Jesus, make me love you more.

Week 21: Sin Management

Day:  146          Verses Memorized:  357          Working On:  John 8:25-44

The John Squad
Please click here to chart your own progress - even though I'm the only one still doing this

My Progress:
4:30 in the morning - it's the only way...  In order to be able to exercise and spend time with the Lord before the family is in the mix, I have to get up at 4:30, and there's just no way around it.  This week I stayed committed to my promise that I will not start working on Chapter 8 for the day until after I have recited at least one previous chapter.  I find the review so annoying because I just want to keep making progress but of course, I understand the importance of not losing what I've already done!  I guess I'm not surprised that the verses I initially struggled with back when I first did them are the same verses I still stumble on now.  Chapter 6 is a killer.  But even though that voice creeps in my head sometimes, "Heidi, this is way too much - you're never going to be able to recite all of it", I am still going strong and refuse to give up.  This week was particularly hard as it was the first week of school.  My husband goes back to work teaching, and homeschooling is in full swing.  But like my Pastor always says, "God's Will will never lead you where His grace won't keep you."  And I am thankful that His grace is keeping me going ...even at 4:30 in the morning.

Some Thoughts:
Sin Management.  That pretty much sums up my life.  Just about everything I do has something to do with sin.  I am either sinning, experiencing consequences of sin, or cleaning up after someone else's sin.  Sin management!  My day looks like this:  a child sins, so the sibling responds in sin.  Being the strong Christian that I am, I keep a level head and patiently guide the children toward biblical behavior.  That lasts until about 7:30am.  The rest of the day goes like this:  a child sins, the sibling sins, I completely lose my patience and respond to them both in sin.  We spend the rest of the day dealing with the consequences of all our sin:  Punishments, bad moods, hurt feelings, regretful words spoken, sometimes physical injury, and while I am ashamed to admit, an occasional hole in the wall.

I am just SO SICK OF SIN!! 

The reason I am thinking about this is Chapter 8:29.  "The one who sent me is with me; he has not left me alone, for I always do what pleases him."  Oh boy...  So where does my sin fit into that verse?  I was all fine and good reading about how God is with us; He never leaves us alone.  Ooh, warm fuzzy frillies.  How wonderful.  But let's read on, folks!  "for I always do what pleases him."  Let me take a moment to reflect upon my day...  have I always done what pleases him?  Mmmm - NOPE! 

Sin Management.